Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
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“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Genius idea!!
@ candidates for local office
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
never deleting this app.
Born to be mild.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.