Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
You Might Also Like
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single