EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
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📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
It’s the weekend y’all
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body