“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
You Might Also Like
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine