Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
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date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?