My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
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COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
as is their right
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too