Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
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As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Meme Monday.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake