I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
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INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars