The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
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ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.