Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
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I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Any refunds available?…
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.