As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
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Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.