I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-