[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
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HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
6: are snakes just neck?
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree