*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
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Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in