Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
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I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*