Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
You Might Also Like
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Thrilling chase underway
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!