I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
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The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.