Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
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Still cracks me up
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
*puts cutlery down*
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
best first i’ve ever seen
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
you gotta be faster
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC