just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
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Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I’m not alone. I have ants.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.