People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
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IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.