Ferrari squats
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Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….