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Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.