I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
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“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”