Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
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In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
My dating profile:
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
So creative 😂
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts