Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
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When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid