The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
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ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
is nasa ok
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Cardio Made Easy
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.