Wednesday
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“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Eat…
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?