“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
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You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Harsh but fair
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
what does he know…
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.