Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
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Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears