My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
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Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Just a bush.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair