me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
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*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.