#parenting
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*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Siri: Retweet me.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..