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My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Breaking news:
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
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