Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
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Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
They did not miss in the small print
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
channeling her this year
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!