[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
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nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Usage Guidelines
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*