Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
You Might Also Like
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.