Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
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I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.