Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
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Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
I am having an out of money experience.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Life hack
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.