Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
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this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
peeping toms
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
@ candidates for local office
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident