What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
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Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Breaking news:
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Thrilling chase underway