*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
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[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
This is Sparta
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Morning my dudes.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?