Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
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You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.