If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
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Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Stick it to the man
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.