this is one of the funniest videos of all time
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It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets