Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
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heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.