SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
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[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
How animals would run if they were human
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!