Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
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The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!