And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
You Might Also Like
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
socratic questions
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.