Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
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Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾