[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
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[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.